You’re cruising for a bruising.

Cruise ships are supposed to be floating resorts of fun, cocktails and relaxation, but they sometimes devolve into floating calamity zones — colliding with whales and icebergs, and even tangling with pirates and polar bears.

The Cruisemapper.com database keeps track of more than 1,500 ocean-going cruise ships — and it’s chock full of hilarious hijinks happening on the high seas.

In 2024, the MSC Meraviglia sailed into Port Brooklyn with a 43-foot whale draped across its bow after apparently striking the massive mammal at sea.

The bizarre incident is hardly the only time a dream cruise has turned into a nightmare.

In 2022, the Norwegian Sun hit an iceberg off Alaska — forcing the ship to limp back to port for repairs. Relieved passengers joked that it was “Titanic 2.0.”

Wildlife caused an even bigger furor in Svalbard, Norway, in 2018, when a polar bear attacked a guard accompanying tourists leaving the MS Bremen. Another guard shot the bear and the injured man was evacuated.

Pirates have provided even more swashbuckling drama.

In the notorious 2009 attack on MSC Melody off Somalia, passengers reportedly hurled deck chairs at pirates attempting to board, while the attackers opened fire. The captain maneuvered away and security officers helped repel them.

Sometimes, though, the biggest hazard is other cruise ships. In Cozumel, Mexico, Carnival Glory collided with Carnival Legend, tearing into Glory’s stern in 2019.

Passengers themselves can also go wildly off course.

On Norwegian Joy in 2024, two passengers were accused of carrying 158 pounds of marijuana in more than 100 vacuum-sealed bags. One reportedly claimed his haul was for personal use.

But sometimes, the biggest danger on a cruise ship is the guy standing on the balcony nursing a hangover.

A 27-year-old named Nick Naydev was traveling on Royal Caribbean’s Symphony of the Seas in January 2019 with friends when he decided to make a “fun” leap from the 11th-floor balcony while the vessel was docked in Nassau, Bahamas.

He said was still drunk from the previous night and when he woke up, he decided to jump — leading to a lifetime ban for himself and his friends.